Jerry Kurl

While vacationing recently in Moscow, Russia I visited the Moscow Zoo to check out the animals and their various genitals. I happened to strike up a conversation with a suspicious looking character near one of the many monkey houses. Her name was Dr. April Schauerz. (Pronounced April Showers) Her breasts were saggy and her buttocks warm and inviting like a summer afternoon. After a brief and vocal sexual encounter we got to talking and I discovered that she had recently been fired from a large robotics company in St. Petersburg. I wiped my nutt from her hideous knee-pit and thought to myself “I just ejaculated on the back of this 67 year old woman’s leg”. Anyways, April went on to break the most EXCITING NEWS OF THE MONTH. An A list celeb religious scandal!!!!!!!!! Turns out ole girl wasn’t fired as a result of her drug habit after all. She uncovered the TOM CRUISE SCIENTOLOGY ROBOT CONSPIRACY!!!!! The Top Gun star has allegedly hired the unnamed robotics company to manufacture life like celebrity robot clones since 1999. More shocking details will emerge as I continue talks with Dr. April Schauerz.
P.S. This explains TomKat perfectly. The Katie Holmes pictured in the tabloids carrying Toms’ Child is indeed a ROBOT CLONE!!!!!! (Dramatic sound effect)

Do you enjoy your job? Are you happy with your life here on planet earth? Do you like to watch Con Air over and over again? How bout Abercrombie and Fitch? You absolutely adore their terrific clothing! Find yourself contemplating between purchasing the new Greenday album or Jennifer Lopez’s Live DVD? Enjoy “getting down and or crunk to the latest hip hop songs at da club? Hows that new body kit and racing wing working out for you on your Honda Civic? You my friend are such an incredible person. COMPLETELY FUCKING BLIND. SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT!!!!!! Contemplate your existence for FUCKS SAKE!!!! Actually no, I take that back. Ignorance is bliss. Keep on rocking out to those edgy MTV TRL hits and kiss your mommy and daddy good night. Enjoy yummy ice cream treats on Saturday nights with your high school sweetheart, your “funny friend”, and then maby go out rollerskating with Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny after your cousins baby shower.
It scares me that all these wonderful people do not experience or suppress natural instinctual thoughts and feelings about their existence and or environment. I guess you all just need a rude awakening. Maby I am full of shit, and these throngs of simpletons have the right idea. But one thing I know is that my contempt for you all burns with the intensity of a thousand suns and that will NEVER change. My recommendation? Join up with a really hip and “with it” modern corporation and work for them. Learn about diversity and be trained in the art of stellar customer service. What greater purpose could an individual aspire to than to devote their time here on earth to the financial success and well being of a giant corporation in exchange for the means to sustain your life and even go on a vacation to Disneyland!!! Face it though, as atrocious as the way things are they could be worse. Bend over and accept it because there is not much of an alternative. I would offer you hard drugs for some temporary escape, a breath of fresh air if you will, but that is illegal, so heres the next best thing. Where? Here, Here, and Here!!! Have a wonderful evening and make sure you keep that blindfold on tight people! Keep yourself in check!!!!!

TODAY IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!! My mom touched my leg today when she was dressing me. It made me feel kinda tingly funny?!?!?!??! On top of that I got a really good bargain. A really cool person named Nadine Larquinshitz sold me a half eaten grilled cheese for Five Hundred Dollars. I know what your thinking. That I have been had. But that’s because you don’t realize that it was eaten by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes when they were vacationing in Michigan!!!!!!!!!! I put it in a ziploc bag and then placed the bag in my underwear drawer. It smells kinda funny but it makes my heart feel whole. Everytime I look at it I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, and I almost start to cry. If nothing else, I have obtained a piece of food that was graced by the mouths OF MEGA CELEBRITIES!!!!!!! All the people that said I was worthless are gonna change their tune now. Their gonna eat their fucking words!!! I am truly a SOMEBODY now. I feel like I have a reason to get out of my bed in the morning. I walk different, I talk different, and nobody can abuse me or fuck my face anymore. I think that Jesus had something to do with this. ANYWAYS!! Nadine told me that she has “the hook up” on celebrity shit. Sure she smokes crack and will fuck a kitchen table leg for half a can of warm Pabst Blue Ribbon, but she has given me the foundation to build a life for myself. If anyone knows where I can buy some celebrity memorabilia please let me know. Now when I hear people talk about happiness and love and experiencing life I can truly know in my heart and soul what the FUCK they are talking about. All I can ask is that you downloading www dot FUCKS be happy for me and my new life with the Tom Cruise Grilled Cheese Sandwich, and try to suppress your feelings of jealousy and hatred. Maby if you do good things, fuck old people in their mouth, alter your peepee/vagina bag, and say your prayers you will get some celebrity treasure one day. Until then you should watch porno here, here, and here. P.S. I hope that you don’t get an S.T.D.. of any kind, EVER.

Today I share with you a wonderful spaghetti dish with a silly CELEB surprise at the end! Ok people, show of hands WHO LIKES GARLIC SPAGHETTI!!!!!!! That’s what I fucking thought. You animals will eat anything!! HAHA, LOL, LMAO, Just Joshin Ya!!!! Well to begin this wonderful recipe you will need a few things.

1 pound DELICIOUS spaghetti
2 tablespoons DELICIOUS Olive Oil
1 clove finely minced DELICIOUS garlic
3 Teaspoons fresh DELICIOUS thyme chopped
1 small SCRUMPTIOUS tomato chopped
Grated DELICIOUS parmesan origiano to taste
1 BIG HAPPY WONDERFUL smile!!!

P.S. DON’T FORGET SALT AND PEPPER YOU FUCKNUT!!!!!!!

First things first you must wash your genitalia, ass, and hands with warm water and dish soap. Scrub all these parts of yourself thoroughly.
Next boil the spaghetti according to package directions.
While your spaghetti is boiling sauté the garlic in the olive oil gently.
Drain your noodles in a colander.
Combine noodles, sautéed garlic and oil, tomato, thyme, and parmesan in a GORGEOUS bowl.
Print out this picture
Cut picture out and place on bottom of bowl.(underneath the spaghetti)

Now you must Enjoy your meal and when you reach the end and your tummy is full you will see the glorious image of none other than TONY DANZA staring back at your fucking gluttonous ass. Gaze into Tony’s eyes and think about your life and who you are. Be thankful that THE BOSS has decided to join your spaghetti eating experience. Be an alpha male and CHOKE back those tears you goddamn pussy. Hold steadfast to the belief that celebrities of TONY DANZAS’ caliber are to be respected and revered. Now hop on the ole computer box and click here, here, and here to make yourself feel good.

Me and the cast would regularly get together in my parents basement and take all different kinds of pills. A lot of the time we would all end up crying, just sobbing uncontrollably and interlocking hands and bodies. It was like a really spiritual bonding experience. Edna Garrett (the old fucking whore) would always shoot up heroine and jerk off my cocker spaniel Ed. I found this unacceptable and in a mescaline enduced haze I decided to teach the old skank a lesson. All I remember is the look on her fucking wrinkled face when she realized just what was penetrating her anus. It was my dog Eds weird looking canine COCK!!! Blair, Tootie, Natalie, and Jo laughed so hard that they all simultaneously vomited all over each other and my heaving naked sweaty torso. We were all totally fucked up out of our minds to say the least.
THE NEXT DAY WE ALL WENT OUT FOR BANANA FUDGE NUT SUNDAE PIES AND TALKED ABOUT ALL THAT WE HAD LEARNED ABOUT LIFE AND VAGINAS!!! Then we took the trolley to Kmart where unfortunately Natalie was abducted and taken to the stock room by some schizophrenic cashier (Timothy Noomerport) who was later charged with fourteen counts of murder in Wyoming. He tried to perform some weird surgical procedure on her twat that thankfully was not a success. From what I could tell he attempted to attach some sort of doo-hicky to her anus. That fat bitch couldn’t walk right for at least two weeks. I was the one that found her slumped over next to the dumpster.
Regardless of what the others say, I did not take my turn pounding her meat while she was still passed out from the garbage bag full of Freon she ingested at the hands of Serial killer cashier Timothy Noomerport. ME AND THE GIRLS CLEANED HER UP. We took her home, did her nails, and I put on a pot of coffee. Jo ate a bunch of pills and when me and Blair were playing Scrabble in the great room, she Heated a coat hanger in the fireplace and branded a pentagram on Natalies left Breast. Needlesss to say our scrabble game was interrupted by poor Natalies violent screams. I decided it was time to get these fucking whores set back on the straight and narrow. After all, filming of the fifth season was scheduled to begin in less than 2 weeks time. I locked up each girl in my basement for 72 hours to teach them some discipline. I can’t really expose any more details at this time, as it would not be in my best interest to do so. But I can tell you that if you click here you will love what you see.

I Jerry Kurl have decided to open up about a rather large chapter of my life due to overwhelming requests from the American people. Maby you’ve heard of the television show “the Facts of Life” that ran from 1979 – 1988 about some fucking big titted, sexy ass, old school sluts growing up with that Old fire crotched hag. Ahhh where do I begin. Well you remember Tootie, the fresh faced black girl with braces on the show. She was played by Kim Fields. I met Kim on the set of Roots in 79 and we suffered the worst case of jungle fever ever not documented. Let me tell you, that little spitfire fucked like a minx. We did things with our genitalia that Satan himself would be appalled by. Anyway, when Kim got the part of Tootie on Facts of Life I became a regular on the set. I would cook asparagus for the gang, give out emotional/sexual advice to the girls, and fuck the shit out of virtually every piece of “chicken” as I like to call young girls, on that goddamn set. The orgies would involve ridiculous amounts of drugs, alcohol, and raw poultry. Shit, even the old Broad got down on some of my rock hard, pain inflicting Four Inch member. Mostly I tit Fucked Natalie cuz she had big Ole Pancake saucers around her Nipples. AND I FUCKING LIKE THAT SHIT!!! If you are an upstanding citizen that has a taste for Tig Ol Bitties then Click here. So one cold day in December 84 I was knawing on Blairs’ cooter, and ass pounding Natalie when Tootie came in with a suitcase full of Blow. Over the course of the next week we experienced a cocaine fueled Sodomy bender that went down in my history as the greatest sexual escapade of all time. I gotta run I’m going to see Cheap Trick and Def Leppard with Johnny Shoehorn, so this tantalizing story WILL BE CONTINIUED.

Im worn out people, im fading in and out of consciousness as a result of endless hours scouring the dangerous back alleys of the information super highway for you. In hopes of bringing some fleeting glimpse at happiness to you on a silver platter I have discovered these incredible links to the feel good content you have been dreaming about. So tell mom your “cleaning your room” and break out your favorite sweatsock cuz its time for some hardcore beating off. Star clicking here and here and here and here and all your dreams will come true.

The Oh so faint hint of cinnamon that I smell permeating from the morning dew like layer of moisture blanketing the dark forbidden recesses of this lucky ladies vagina is just the stimulus I needed to begin my quest today. “What is this mystical quest I speak of” (that’s you thinking to yourself in your head) All that I can tell you is that it involves me, a fifth of five o’clock vodka, a certain special gal pal named Eternity, twenty bucks, and a whole lot of crying. To cleanse yourself of unrighteous behaviors, forbidden influences, or an unclean body one must suffer at the merciless hands of cheap booze and a very cheap, filthy call girl. You must truly indulge in the sadness and depression involved in this cleansing act of sexual penance. Be sure and discover the inner most secrets of her anal and vaginal region as this will ensure you are not only getting the most bang for your buck (No pun intended) but it will also bring you and your vehicle of deviant sexual punishment to a new plateau of cheap, false intimacy. Allow the pungent stench of her love juices to fill your nasal passages like the fierce dense fog of yesteryear.
THERE IS NO NEED TO BE SHY OR COY!!! What the fuck is the matter with you, are you some kind of weak bitch? This is the result of your fucking dirty way of living! YOUR FAULT!! GET DOWN AND TRULY COME FACE TO FACE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR FUCKING ACTIONS. Hiding behind your mommy and daddy is no longer an option. You must embrace this ritual with the tenacity of a dangerous jungle cat. Get in there and nibble on anything that isn’t callused or bleeding. Number each And every scraggly hair peppering her wrinkled and mis-shapen pubic region. AND KNOW IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS THAT IS THE ESSENCE OF WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME!!! THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE MADE OF YOUR LIFE!!!!
Are your fucking family members proud of you now!?!?!?!? You weren’t good enough to achieve their attention as a child and look at you now. Knee deep in the infected reproductive organs of a morbidly obese, half dead, diseased skank. Imagine your father dropping dead of exhaustion from the second job he had to get to support your life so that you could FUCK IT ALL UP LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO. I I hope that you have learned something today you fucking pieces of shit! YOUR NOTHING BUT FUCKING ANIMALS. POINT BLANK. Now go shave your ass and think about what you have done to yourself and others involved in your meaningless, pathetic life. On a lighter note I would like to let you know that every new day is a chance to turn it all around and live a clean proud life according to my rigid doctrine. STAY TUNED FOR MORE OF MY SAVING GRACE. I bid you farewell my children.

Hello all you scallywags out there in internet world. THIS IS JERRY KURL coming to you from the intellectual, social, political, economical, SEXual, GoaT herding capital of the EARTH —- SUBURBAN Michigan. I am letting you know that everything you have Heard about Michiganianz is true, we are the Alpha & the Omega. Anything you need to know about life can be provided by me. I am an the incredible persona you’ve been searching for. The likes of a carpenter with the initials J.C., the power of raw sheer brute naked force, the beginning and the end. First off I am going to expose some of the great mysteries of this crazy thing we call life. Only those blessed with the gift of sexual prowess can understand my statements and interpret them in THE CORRECT MANOR. My gifts unto you are my words raining down like manna from Heaven. When they are capitalized it means IM SCREAMING AT YOU VERY LOUD. The first statement I giveth unto U is this —- {[He that follows the burgundy trail of swallows will seek the fifth sign of Elrod and Jinkerton.]} This my children is not to be taken lightly. Sure you say “I like to watch television and breakdance and shop at the local strip mall with the other throngs of simpletons BUT LIFE IS NOT A BIG MTV CARNIVAL RIDE!!!!! You absolutely must Break down your ignorant, shameful, preconceived feelings of silly assshit, tinseltown TGIF break my curfew and fuck the dog way of living! And for CHRISTS SAKE TRIM YOUR TOENAILS! Who will marry a hygiene lacking monster like yourself! Comb your hair, run around the block and STOP CRYING!!! You people make me sick, and I see now why you need someone like me to guide you though this life. There is too many goddamn unnatural influences on your perception of reality. To achieve any glimpse of success and or happiness you must lay down and spread em for me the one and ONLY JERRY KURL!!!!!!

Each and every twenty four hour period I Jerry Kurl will take pity on you the lost people of this FOUL world and enlighten you with a thought spawned of my of my pure mind, and or respond to your prayers, questions and requests. FUCK JEEVES, ask JERRY KURL.