Jerry Kurl

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January 17th, 2006

My repreive from posting is due to a special investigation I have been working on about the iron and zinc content in the vaginal secretions of some of the most prominent hookers in Montana. I am happy to report that my testicles have officially dropped renderring my genitalia fully functional. Any females aged 18 to 34, 47 to 73, or 81 to 92 are welcome to contact me to express interest in sucking my balls and penis. I like short women not to exceed 347 pounds, must have a full head of hair, a wifi capable vagina box (pink) and three to six mammorical nipples that I can chew on.

Posted in Jerry Kurl Time! | 187 Comments »

Samantha

January 9th, 2006

A big goofy smile comes across my face when I go to the park with Samantha. We look at the all the pretty ducks in the lake, and eat frankfurters with no bun and or ketchup. Last Tuesday we were taking a stroll behind the swing set, and Samantha asked me to peel her panties off her wet pussy, she said it would be just like peeling off the saran wrap from a plate of meatloaf fresh out of the microwave oven. In many ways I feel that what happened next was just wrong. Something strange happened, it was like something evil came over me. Her wet pussy writhing before me evoked violent and angry feelings I have never known before. Just kidding! We slurped down fruit smoothies while watching the O.C. and giggled the night way after I finger fucked her that afternoon.

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FAT SEX

January 6th, 2006

I found a bag on the ground. The contents of the bag consisted of a bloody knife, a clump of long dirty blond hair, and a book of matches. I didn’t know what else to do so I sought consultation as to the appropriate action that should be taken concerning this mysterious bag. My appointment with Kirstie Alley was set for the following Tuesday afternoon at the fabulous Univagina resort just outside of Boise, Idaho. Why I decided to consult Ms. Alley in this matter is a mystery to even myself. Perhaps my strong feelings of sexual excitement toward her pussy bag played a major role. My plan worked perfectly. Kirstie immediately took my penis into her cakehole where it charged back and forth like a raging tsunami until her fleshy lips swelled up and we both knew that it was time for vaginal penetration. Somehow this bag of murder items triggered an unbridled appetite for my own personal brand of cock pounding mayhem deep within her psyche. Just another in a long line of strange celebrity sexual successes for the elusive Jerry Kurl.

Posted in Jerry Kurl Time! | 106 Comments »

Why did Tom Selleck cross the road?

January 5th, 2006

Could you please rub something against my penis? My penis sticks up and it feels good when ladies exert pressure upon it. Is this true of all men? YES IT IS. Do not be fooled by Hollywood Cock sucking Pussies! Men like women. Don’t believe me? Then go ahead and put a spread eagled vagina box on one side of the street and a Broadway show tunes CD on the other. Now ask yourself, “Why did Tom Selleck cross the road?” Did he cross paths with the likes of Liberace on this short vagina-quest? These are things that U must consider! These are the Fucking questions we must ask of our forefathers, those who came in her before us! And what the Undulating FUCK is the deal with that bag/sack thingy that babies are inside when growing in the Pussy Fallopian Uterus regions? Does Louis Vitton make those? Or is it Prada? What did my father do to my mothers’ pussy? Why is it discolored as such? Should my cousins vagina have lasers occasionally flying out of it? Fuck YOU. Get off your goddamn wallet and buy some PORN!

Posted in Jerry Kurl Time! | 204 Comments »

THE REASON YOUR SO FUCKED UP

January 3rd, 2006

Push it in her, Go ahead and push it in her! Exclaimed your fathers father from the front seat of his 77 Chevrolet during your conception. This sexual encounter was by no means legal or consensual. Picture it. Your mothers’ forehead rhythmically colliding with the passenger rear window, eyes closed, completely unconscious. A slow trickle of blood slipping down her bruised face so fast that you’d miss it if you blinked. All this to the violent cheering of your grandfather, cheering his son on to “push it in her” and stop being a fucking fancy boy pussy. Being brought into this place in such a way, how the fuck were you supposed to turn out okay, RIGHT?!?!?

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Posted in Jerry Kurl Time! | 69 Comments »

Show God Who’s Boss

December 29th, 2005

Do you work at a fucking fast food Joint? Do you fuck your sister? Are you fuckin stupid and or underprivileged? Well then my friends, GET ANGRY AND GET EVEN. For a measly ten dollars I will punish God for making your life a miserable hell. How can I accomplish such a task with a mere ten dollar pittance? I will kill a small animal and curse God for making your life what it is. This act of violence will show God that you are upset and unhappy with the life he has provided for you. While you are down there sweating, applying medicated cream to your ravaged anus, jumping through fucking hoops to pay your utility and or Kmart charge card bill, God is up there allowing your meaningless life to drag on as is. Well after I behead a couple few squirrels in the park behind my house and chant a few dark prayers he will definitely turn you into not so much of a piece of worthless shit. Its just like Cinderella. So login to paypal and send me your ten dollars. Your new glamorous meaningful life awaits you. Who knows, maybe someday a piss-on like you could even meet Oprah.

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Posted in Jerry Kurl Time! | 183 Comments »

A galla of sorts

December 11th, 2005

“A galla of sorts” exclaimed Samantha Lee Knockerton ass I thrusted again and again my weeping willow cock in and out and in and out of her secret garden. She of course was speaking of the elegant masquerade ball hosted by the wheelchair coalition of Guam Thursday after next. This event is to occur at an as yet undisclosed location And is reserved for the members whom made the largest contributions to the Wheelchair Foundation for South American Americans. Aside from the Extravagant smorgasbord of delectable Pork dishes, a pie made from the hide of every goats firstborn daughter shall be served upon the stroke of midnite in an attempt to channel the spirit of Napolean Boner-parte. Chef Nedwin Sanchez of Turkish descent will be preparing over 347 different variations of pork. Every Single GODDAMN member of the Coalition for Wheelchairs in the Armed Forces of Spain and Portugal Absolutely Cannot get enough PORK!!! EVERYONE Thinks that PORK meat is SO succulent and Sensual. I foresee many throbbing members ejaculating milkish cummmm inside meat pockets all night long BABY. Im talking about PUSSY POUNDING. Needless to say, Elton John will not be attending, Tom Cruise however will arrive with Tom Selleck at 9:45 P.M. Accompanied by a myriad of overweight Asian girls with a ferocious appetite for American Hot Rod. Tickets to this historical event can be purchased at your local Wheelchairs Cancer Awareness For Tots chapter.

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Posted in Jerry Kurl Time! | 109 Comments »

Barbara Walters and ME FUCKED

November 30th, 2005

Barbara Walters Is swinging on my Jock strap Just like your Father Riding Truck Stop Cocks. I picked her up in the Automotive section in aisle 14 of Meijer located in Calcutta. My Peepee filled up with blood when she allowed me to readjust the position of her thong panties up in the back of her sexy sagg-a-licious Punta Anus. I pulled them out and they snapped back with a ThWACK!!! Noise. She proceeded to fondle and beat upon my erection stick as if it were the cancer that took her mothers life. All of these veins and arteries popped up in my penis and it looked wacky. We both cried a lot and Barbara then shit in the sink of the Men’s Bathroom. I stared at her excrement for a duration of thirteen minutes and 45 seconds. This experience made me feel conscious of the chemicals that are traveling through the highways of my legs and knees. Barbara Walters is made up of the same things that you and I are, and that is many many chemicals. DUHHH!?!?!??! Put down the bag of butter frosting and boil your shoes in lemon juice because that’s what nature communicates to your body and face.

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Posted in Jerry Kurl Time! | 202 Comments »

denatured

November 29th, 2005

If ah yo hair-ah
Hangs-ah down-ah yo face-ah.
Hey Everybody!! How ya Doin Gang!?!? Long time no see!!
So Sorry I have been absent. See what happened is that I was diagnosed with four different terminal diseases including AIDS and CANCER cuz I am a bad person. It only took me a FUCKING week to beat these tough as nails diseases however. Thanks to my secret injection of millysantor exorbate extract into my open soars!!! All the Deer were smiling at me in the field. Salivating at their mouths were the beasts o the land, and the foul o the air. Take Comfort that I have overcome Diseases that KILL PEOPLE. I will now brush-ah yo teeth-ah!!!!!!!!!!!! Buy some Porn you FAG HOMO QUEERZ.

Posted in Jerry Kurl Time! | 42 Comments »

mother fluid test

November 20th, 2005

I if I were to paint a portrait of your mother, would she be cloth-ed or would she be in her foul, natural state. I think you are neato, because you are one of my many puppets. That being said, I want to know things about you, like where you came from, your origins. Therefore I must delve into the deep, dark, vaginal abyss that your unformed body protruded from. The scent of mommies cunt is something I need to be accustomed to. Scientific experiments will be conducted, measurements taken, and surgeries underwent. By the time I am done, I will have uncovered the mysteries of her enigma-puss. Things like how many thrusts of a rolling pin will cause her vaginal walls to crumble as those in Berlin crumbled oh so many years ago. And will motherfuckers collect pieces of this cunt wall for their grandchildren’s birthday present? Blood samples collected by the pint from her rotten, roast beef-a-licious, box will be analyzed to determine iron levels, infections, magnesium solfate dextride content, and foreign sperm particle presence. Based upon these and many more trial analyses I will determine whether or not to allow you the opportunity to pursue the petty, mundane, queer bullshit fantasies/aspirations of working in management that you store in your simple mind. Now say a prayer to whatever higher power you believe in and thank them for allowing yourself to praise me and my superior cognitive abilities. That’s right get on your knees and fucking pray that your mothers box test results persuade me to allow your generic ass to swim in my wake. Until then I suggest you check out these cum sluts. Wash and shave your mothers puss n boots, for I will be dropping by to wreak havoc upon that lump of fleshy flesh cunt flesh.

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Posted in Jerry Kurl Time! | 101 Comments »